Suicide Cliches

If you watch the news as often as I do... Heck, even if you don't watch it all that often, you start to notice how many suicides there are recently. You also start to notice a pattern in them. Present day suicides are getting very uncreative, so I thought that I would give some advice to help these quitters of life make their message to the world a little more noticable. I will point out for you some cliches that have appeared in many suicides and inform you on what you can do to make it more origional.

#1: Bullet To The Head.
The quick and easy fix that most people seem to go for has gotten a little old. My first thought on this was to connect several guns together on a pullstring and give yourself a 20 gun salute, but keeping in the spirit of "the quick fix" I also suggest you buy yourself a rocket launcher, stuff it into your mouth and send yourself into orbit.

#2: Hanging.
This is usually another quick fix, but sometimes you aren't lucky enough to snap your neck on the drop and you have to settle for being cholked to death. Let's be honest though, even if it works it's still a little dull. I have a very quick solution to both of these problems. It involves a bungee cord and a drop from a very high place.

#3: Jumping.
We've all seen this one. People usually practice this one off a building or off a bridge while weighted. This could be easily improved by jumping from a slightly higher altitude (say, orbit?) but, if you're going to splatter yourself on the ground, you should really make sure they feel it in the neighboring countries. I suggest you strap on a jet pack and send yourself nose first into your grave.

#4: Drowning/Suffocation.
Basically, stop breathing until you die with the option of extra body fluids. This one is a classic and I hate to mess with it, but it's very much in need of tweeking. Fans of drowning should try other liquids ranging from milk to nitro, or inhailing at greater speeds (from a fire hose, for example). Fans of suffocation, however, might try injecting their lungs to freeze them up or inhailing concreat.

#5: Over-Dose.
If you're going to go through the bother of chomping down too many pills the least you can do is be creative about it. Stay away from the weak stuff like tyolenol and asprin. Instead, go for some of the hard core drugs like acid. Also, you should take a LOT of it. About enough to fill an empty stumach should do. It might also be fun to take different pills at the same time in order to keep the docters guessing about which medication killed you.

#6: Explosives/Burning To Death.
Strap a bomb to your back and blow yourself up or bath in gasoline and light a match? Wouldn't it be interesting if you could do both? Better yet, strap bottles of nitro to your body. That way not only will you explode, you'll also burn for a very long time. In fact, why not get some friends involved and have a 4-way collision on an intersection with you right smack in the middle of it. If you manage a mushroom cloud, St. Peter might even applaude.

#7: Electrocution.
I know what you're thinking. "How can he possible improve this?" How indeed. First I would like to assure you that my idea does not involve a lightning rod. That's been done. No, I have invisioned several thousand people on the world's biggest carpet, all wearing socks, all rubbing their feet while holding hands. They do this for about an hour, then you touch one of them. The result? Instant fried chicken.

Seven is usually a favored number amung people, thus I feel that it is the perfect number to end on. Seven mundane suicide tactics, seven drastic improvements. If you know of any other methods that seem a little tired and over-used, I'm sure you can now come up with an exciting new twist for it all on your own.

If you have any questions, be sure to write me at omniepicwizard@gmail.com. Who knows, your email may even become the focus of my next topic.