Cults

I find it amusing when people show so much concern about cults. They always worry that someone is practicing witchcraft or summoning up evil spirits and the like. The only thing more amusing are the people who join cults. Sure it's a first step into being evil, but let's face it, it's a baby step. It's far more evil and rewarding to cheat on your taxes than it is to join a cult.

To put it bluntly, cults are the boy scouts of the evil society. I really can't explain it any better than that. When they're not "summoning evil spirits" or "cursing people" they're stealing from their mother's purse or having "secret meetings" in abandoned attics or basements. Probably playing DnD or talking about emo pains.

I really don't have much to say about cults. They aren't real evil organizations and they're barely real people. There is one thing I do like about them though. They have some pretty good cookies.

If you have any questions, be sure to write me at omniepicwizard@gmail.com. Who knows, your email may even become the focus of my next topic.

Suicide Cliches

If you watch the news as often as I do... Heck, even if you don't watch it all that often, you start to notice how many suicides there are recently. You also start to notice a pattern in them. Present day suicides are getting very uncreative, so I thought that I would give some advice to help these quitters of life make their message to the world a little more noticable. I will point out for you some cliches that have appeared in many suicides and inform you on what you can do to make it more origional.

#1: Bullet To The Head.
The quick and easy fix that most people seem to go for has gotten a little old. My first thought on this was to connect several guns together on a pullstring and give yourself a 20 gun salute, but keeping in the spirit of "the quick fix" I also suggest you buy yourself a rocket launcher, stuff it into your mouth and send yourself into orbit.

#2: Hanging.
This is usually another quick fix, but sometimes you aren't lucky enough to snap your neck on the drop and you have to settle for being cholked to death. Let's be honest though, even if it works it's still a little dull. I have a very quick solution to both of these problems. It involves a bungee cord and a drop from a very high place.

#3: Jumping.
We've all seen this one. People usually practice this one off a building or off a bridge while weighted. This could be easily improved by jumping from a slightly higher altitude (say, orbit?) but, if you're going to splatter yourself on the ground, you should really make sure they feel it in the neighboring countries. I suggest you strap on a jet pack and send yourself nose first into your grave.

#4: Drowning/Suffocation.
Basically, stop breathing until you die with the option of extra body fluids. This one is a classic and I hate to mess with it, but it's very much in need of tweeking. Fans of drowning should try other liquids ranging from milk to nitro, or inhailing at greater speeds (from a fire hose, for example). Fans of suffocation, however, might try injecting their lungs to freeze them up or inhailing concreat.

#5: Over-Dose.
If you're going to go through the bother of chomping down too many pills the least you can do is be creative about it. Stay away from the weak stuff like tyolenol and asprin. Instead, go for some of the hard core drugs like acid. Also, you should take a LOT of it. About enough to fill an empty stumach should do. It might also be fun to take different pills at the same time in order to keep the docters guessing about which medication killed you.

#6: Explosives/Burning To Death.
Strap a bomb to your back and blow yourself up or bath in gasoline and light a match? Wouldn't it be interesting if you could do both? Better yet, strap bottles of nitro to your body. That way not only will you explode, you'll also burn for a very long time. In fact, why not get some friends involved and have a 4-way collision on an intersection with you right smack in the middle of it. If you manage a mushroom cloud, St. Peter might even applaude.

#7: Electrocution.
I know what you're thinking. "How can he possible improve this?" How indeed. First I would like to assure you that my idea does not involve a lightning rod. That's been done. No, I have invisioned several thousand people on the world's biggest carpet, all wearing socks, all rubbing their feet while holding hands. They do this for about an hour, then you touch one of them. The result? Instant fried chicken.

Seven is usually a favored number amung people, thus I feel that it is the perfect number to end on. Seven mundane suicide tactics, seven drastic improvements. If you know of any other methods that seem a little tired and over-used, I'm sure you can now come up with an exciting new twist for it all on your own.

If you have any questions, be sure to write me at omniepicwizard@gmail.com. Who knows, your email may even become the focus of my next topic.

World Domination?

Personally I can think of so many better things to do with my time than the ever cliched "taking over the world" plot, but since that's what the kids are into these days I feel that I should at least give you amatures a few pointers. Do be sure to take notes.

First and foremost; you cannot BUY the world. This includes earning the world as ransom. To buy the world would be the same as you sitting there and declaring "the world belongs to me" out loud, except saying it would waste a lot less of your time. In fact, if you have any evil plot that involves you becoming rich then you might as well scrap the plan and start over. Money is cheap.

Second; make sure everyone fears you. I don't mean make them scared, I mean strike fear into their hearts. If you have plenty of followers, one of the more interesting methods would be to train them to be an army of death. Order them to march through a sea of bullets and rip the enemy troops apart with their bare hands. A less costly method would be to station your minions as secret suicide bombers inside of every nuclear facility that you can think of. After the first explosion, have one of your lackeys speak to the media for you (your face should never be known to the world). Have him introduce you as the god of death or whatever you're into, and poke around at them as you see fit until they do as you say like loyal puppies. After that you can start rewarding obedience. Just be sure the rewards are things they really want and continue to punish disobedience as it occurs. Never leave them alone.

Lastly; plan to be caught. I'm getting tired of seeing villains not planning ahead. I don't care if you think you're invincible. If getting sent to prison foils your plan it makes you look pathetic. You should always have a plan in case you get caught. While you're at it, take a chapter from the joker and make getting caught your plan. It's not something most people expect and it adds on to their fear if they think catching you doesn't stop you. This also applies if you should get killed. Death is no excuse in my book. Train a lackey to take your place, you freakin noob.

I hope this has made you all a little better informed on how to take over the world. When you start putting your separate plans into action, I will be watching from the side lines as you all destroy each other over a big ball of dirt.

If you have any questions, be sure to write me at omniepicwizard@gmail.com. Who knows, your email may even become the focus of my next topic.